Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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