Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
