I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
