before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone