Betty ford says i'm here all night
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
