My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
