Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
