Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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