Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
