I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
