If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
