I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
