I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
