I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
