the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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