and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
