JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
