When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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