i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
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he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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