I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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