The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
