Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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