I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
