You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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