there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I am one with the molecules
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
