He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
