i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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