Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
