Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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