just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
