put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
