You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
