when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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