Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
