i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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