i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You pole danced in your parka.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
