she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
