So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you will always have a special place in my vag
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
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you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
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I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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