if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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