You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
