I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you