good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Dating After Heartbreak
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.