I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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