That's intense
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
