guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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I just found a bag of teeth...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You are the jesus of drinking
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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