Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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