wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
