why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
