i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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