Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
