If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
