I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
