My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
