Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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