Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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