What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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