I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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