your parents love me but you hate me
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
